Golfer: ""Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.""
Caddy: ""Think you can keep your head down that long?""

Golfer: ""I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.""
Caddy: ""Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.""

Golfer: ""Do you think my game is improving?""
Caddy: ""Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.""

Golfer: ""Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?""
Caddy: ""Eventually.""

Golfer: ""You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.""
Caddy: ""I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.""

Golfer: ""Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction.""
Caddy: ""It's not a watch - it's a compass.""

Golfer: ""How do you like my game?""
Caddy: ""Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.""

Golfer: ""Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: ""The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.""

Golfer: ""This is the worst course I've ever played on.""
Caddy: ""This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.""

Golfer: ""That can't be my ball, it's too old.""
Caddy: ""It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.""

Well, today I decided that I would ramble on about whatever came to mind.

First thing, I added a new review about the Titleist 980F line. I have decided that this line of fairway woods is the best I have used to date. I bought a 19 degree last summer, and have decided to replace my 15 degree Cleveland Launcher with the 980F as well.

Check it out

I told you about the GolfHelp.com newsletter didn't I?

Well in case you forgot, go and sign up for this newsletter 'Different Strokes' ! Look for the signup box on the left column of www.golfhelp.com!

Here is a sample article, a short blurb, from their newsletter:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - STOP TOPPING - DON'T SCOOP- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -If you're prone to topping the ball, be sure you keep your knees flexed and your butt extended during your swing. Be sure to swing around your body. Let the club get the ball off the ground for you. Not a good idea to scoop.


There are lot's of interesting articles including funny stories, and opinion pieces. Also, they publish their reader's feedback.

Check it out today!

Chuck staggered into a hospital emergency room, badly battered and bruised. A nurse and a doctor rushed over to help him to an examining room.

"How did you receive these injuries?" the doctor asked.

"I was playing golf with my wife," Brandon replied.

The doctor was incredulous. "How could you possibly have been injured this severely playing golf with your wife?" he asked.

Chuck explained what happened. He and his wife both hit their tee shots on the first hole off line. "I hooked mine into the woods, left," Chuck said, "while my wife hit a huge slice that flew into a cow pasture on the right side of the hole."

After Chuck found his ball and hit it back into the fairway, he explained, he went to help his wife locate her tee shot.

"I was walking around amongst the cows," Chuck explained, "when I spotted something white on the backside of a heifer. I went over to it and lifted its tail, and sure enough, my wife's ball had lodged right in the heifer's posterior!

"So I pointed at the heifer's backside and yelled over to my wife, 'Hey, honey, this looks like yours.' "

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and a tax agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day

Last weekend while playing at a course I do not often play, I came across a ball that I have never used, and would normally avoid because of the price.

The Nike One Platinum is one of the best balls I have had the pleasure of playing. Normally, I go with the ball that suits how I am playing at that point; if I am hitting straight and want some extra distance I will play a Callaway HX Hot, otherwise, I would play a Titleist ProV1 for those days I need a little extra control.

I could fairly say that the Nike One Platinum is a fair marriage of my two favorite balls. This Nike ball is made for distance, and is also engineered for the soft feel in tight spots.

Although the price is about the same as a Pro V1, I would suggest this ball as a fair alternative. Hit your local golf shop and grab a box. Tell me what you think.

cliff@shave5strokes.com

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?" The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."

The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.

Watch for the signs...

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.